i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
