last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
