all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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