she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
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there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
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We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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