you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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