There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
