I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
