Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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