I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
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Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
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The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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