I want you more than these girls want KFC
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
