The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
