I could have mohawked her pubes.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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