So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
