Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
