even my farts smell like vagina
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
