Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
