I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
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I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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