well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
