She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
