Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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