I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
