girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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