God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
