gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
