You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Randomize
