I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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