I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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