We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
