I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
They have beer where we have blood.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
