His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
