I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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