I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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