The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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