hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
