called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
