Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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