i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
