What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
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Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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