i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
