the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
