I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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