it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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