you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize