my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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