even my farts smell like vagina
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
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is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
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pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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