are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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