he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
