You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
