I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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