I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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