I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
