I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
