Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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