We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
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So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
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No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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