Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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