I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
